Rumors About Me
Yasutaka Tsutsui
Yasutaka Tsutsui 筒井康隆1934年生於日本大阪。中學時代，經常翹課，愛看電影，並熱衷於漫畫創作。大學主修文學系心理學專業，後又轉入美術史專業。在學期間經常加入劇團演出話劇。畢業後，參加日活電影公司的演員選拔落選。當過幾年的工薪族，同時經營過設計事務所。
筒井康隆創作數量驚人，風格豐富多變。迄今出版將近80部小說及許多童話繪本、漫畫、戲曲，多部作品改編成電視劇與電影。其小說早年以科幻推理聞名，被譽為「日本後設小說（metafiction）大師」。作品多帶有無厘頭的諷刺隱喻，以及暴露人類本性的黑色幽默，並將兩者推展到淋瀝盡致。他擅長以充滿隱喻、反諷的辛辣筆調描繪出荒誕不羈的瘋狂世界。與小松左京、星新一並稱為日本三大科幻作家。
I was surprised to hear my name mentioned on the evening news one day.
"And now, other news," said the anchor1. "Earlier today, Tsutomu Morishita asked Akiko Mikawa out for a drink, but was turned down. Mikawa works as a secretary in the same company as Morishita. This is the fifth time Morishita has asked Mikawa out for a date. He's been refused on all but the first occasion. 2"
"W-what? What?" I slammed my cup down on the table and looked on in disbelief. "What was that? What did he say?"
My face appeared large on the TV screen.
The news anchor proceeded: "It's not yet clear why Mikawa continues to reject Morishita. Hiruma Sakamoto, a friend and work colleague of Mikawa, thinks it's because—although Mikawa doesn't particularly dislike Morishita—she doesn't particularly like him either."
Then a photo of Akiko Mikawa appeared on the screen.
"In view of this evidence, it's thought that Morishita failed to leave any impression at all on Mikawa during that original date. According to well-informed sources, Morishita went straight to his apartment after work today and is now eating a meal that he prepared himself. Well, that's all we have on Tsutomu Morishita for today. Now let's go over to our correspondent at the Yakuyoke Hachiman Night Festival in Kobe. I imagine things are starting to heat up3, Mizuno-san?"
"Yes, that's absolutely right."
I sat there open-mouthed, staring blankly at the screen as the next segment progressed.
When I eventually came to my senses, I decided I'd been hallucinating. That was it. I'd been seeing things. And hearing things. That was the only explanation. I mean, what would be the point in reporting that I'd asked Akiko Mikawa out for a drink and been so spectacularly rejected, as always? The news value was zero. All the same, it seemed so real—the pictures of Akiko and me, the captions under the photographs, the anchor's manner, everything.
The news ended.
I nodded to myself. "A hallucination. Yes. That's what it was," I said. "But hey, what a realistic hallucination!"
I laughed. My laughter reverberated around my tiny bedsit room.
What if the news had been real, I wondered. What if Akiko Mikawa had seen it, what if my workmates had seen it? What would they have thought? I had myself in stitches4 just imagining their faces.
I climbed into bed, yet still the laughter wouldn't subside.
1. anchor電視主播。
2. Morishita（森下）第五次向Mikawa（美川）邀約，除第一次成功外，以後每次都被打槍。
3. heat up：become more active or intense指慶典的活動愈來愈熱鬧。
There was an article about me in the morning paper.
MORISHITA REJECTED AGAIN
At around 4:40 yesterday afternoon, Tsutomu Morishita (28, an employee of Kasumiyama Electric Industries, Sanko-cho, Shinjuku, Tokyo) invited Akiko Mikawa (23, a secretary at the same company) out for a drink after work. Mikawa refused, claiming she had to go home early. Morishita was wearing a red tie with green polka dots, which he'd bought in a Shinjuku supermarket the previous day. Morishita later returned to his apartment in Higashi-cho, Kichijoji, and made his own dinner. He is thought to have gone to bed immediately after eating, as usual. This is the fourth time Morishita has been refused by Miss Mikawa.5
There was a picture of me next to the article, the same one that had appeared on television the night before. But there was no picture of Akiko Mikawa. I was obviously the main subject of this story.
I read the article four or five times while drinking a glass of milk. Then I tore up the newspaper and threw it into the bin.
"It's a conspiracy!" I muttered. "Someone's playing a practical joke 6 on me. My God! All this just to have a laugh!"
Whoever it was, the person must have a lot of money. Even a single copy of a newspaper would be expensive to print. Who could it be? Who would go to such bizarre lengths just to get at 7 me?
I couldn't remember offending anyone that much. Perhaps it was someone else who fancied Akiko Mikawa. But what was the point? She'd done nothing but reject me.
No, this must be someone really perverse, I thought. Trouble was, I couldn't imagine who that could be.
I forced myself onto the packed commuter train and found a place to stand in the middle of the carriage. I considered all the people I knew. A man beside me was reading a newspaper. It was not the paper I'd read that morning, yet it also had an article about me. And this time it occupied two whole columns. I gasped audibly.
The man looked up, glanced back at the photograph next to the article, then looked up again and stared at me. I hurriedly turned my back.
I was livid. The villain had actually replaced all the morning papers along this line so that everyone on my train saw the stories about me. Of course, the ultimate intention was to make me lose my mind. Inside the packed carriage, I filled my lungs with stuffy air. I laughed aloud.
"Hahahahahaha! Who's going mad, then?" I shouted. "I'm not! Hahahahahaha!"
5. 這段是早報上一則新聞報導，Morishita第四度向Mikawa邀約遭拒，甚至還寫著他繫了一條前天剛在超市買的綠色圓點花樣的紅領帶。
6. practical joke惡作劇。
7. go to such bizarre lengths 費了這麼軌異的勁；花了這麼不尋常的功夫。
get at someone：to keep criticizing someone in an unkind way；cause annoyance in; disturb, especially by minor irritations 不客氣地一直批評某人；惹惱捉弄某人。這裡做第二種定義解釋較通順。
At Shinjuku Station an announcer was barking over the loudspeakers. "Shinjuku. This is Shinjuku. Change here for the Yamanote Line. The train on Platform Two is for Yotsuya, Kanda, and Tokyo. By the way, Tsutomu Morishita was on this train today. All he's had this morning is a glass of milk. Mind the doors!"
There was nothing unusual about the atmosphere at work. But as soon as I walked into the office, seven or eight of my colleagues started tapping each other on the shoulder, giving me sidelong glances and whispering to one another.
After clearing a few memos from my desk, I went over to Admin8. In the office were four secretaries, one of them Akiko Mikawa. As soon as they saw me, they changed their expressions and began typing feverishly on their keyboards. It was quite obvious they hadn't been working until that very moment.
Ignoring Akiko, I called Hiruma Sakamoto into the corridor.
"Was someone inquiring after9 me yesterday?" I asked.
She looked as if she were about to cry. "I'm really sorry," she answered nervously. "I didn't know they were journalists! I didn't think they'd put it all in the newspaper like that!"
"They? Who?"
"There were four or five men. I didn't know any of them. They accosted me on my way home and asked all sorts of things about you."
I returned to my desk, more agitated than before.
Just after lunch I was called to the chief clerk's office. After issuing a new work assignment, he gave me a knowing look.10
"I read about it in the paper," he whispered.
"Oh?" I answered, not knowing quite what to say.
He grinned and brought his face close to mine. "You can't trust the media, can you. But don't worry. Personally, I couldn't be less interested11."
8. Admin=administration行政部門。
9. inquire after 打聽；刺探。
10. a knowing look心領意會、心知不宣的表情。
11. I couldn't be less interested 我完全都不感興趣。can not be less用來加強否定的意思。
My new assignment took me out of the building and into a taxi. The young cabbie had his radio on at full volume.
"Ginza Second Street, please."
"Eh? What's that?"
He couldn't hear me for the music.
"Ginza Second Street."
"Ginza what street?"
"Second. Ginza Second Street."
The cabbie finally understood, and the taxi set off.
The music ended. An announcer started talking.
This is the news at two o'clock. The government this morning ordered all laughing bags to be confiscated from shops throughout the country. Police nationwide have been instructed to clamp down12 on the illegal manufacture or sale of the bags. Laughing bags are novelty toys that emit a hysterical laughing noise. Today's move follows a dramatic surge in social unrest caused by nuisance calls13 using the bags. Calls are often made at two or three o'clock in the morning. When the victim answers, the caller makes the bag laugh into the telephone. There have also been reports of a phenomenon known as "laughing-bag rage."
Tsutomu Morishita arrived at work on time this morning. Soon after entering his office, he went to the Administration Department and called Hiruma Sakamoto into the corridor, where the two were observed in conversation. The precise nature of their discussion is not yet clear. Details will be announced as soon as they're known. Later, Morishita went out on company business, and is currently traveling toward central Tokyo in a taxi.
The Ministry of Health and Welfare today released the results of a nationwide survey of pachinko game machine users and designers. The results suggest that playing pachinko after eating eels can be very detrimental to health. According to Tadashi Akanemura, chairman of the National Federation of Game Machine Designers—14
The cabbie switched off the radio.
12.clamp down 壓制；取締。。
13. nuisance calls無聊的騷擾電話。
14. 這三段都是計程車內收音機的新聞播報。第一段報導政府取締充填笑氣的袋子。第二段報導Morishita今天早上準時上班，與行政部門的Sakamoto在走廊上會談，談話內容不詳，之後出公差搭計程車前往東京中部。第三段報導根據健康部針對全國柏青哥玩家與設計者的普查發現，吃鰻魚後打柏青哥對身體健康有害。
I closed my eyes. Could I really be so famous when there was nothing distinctive about me at all? I was a lowly office worker, a company employee.
So just how famous was I? Take this cabbie. Was he aware that the person mentioned on the news a moment before was none other than the passenger in the back of his cab? Had he recognized me as soon as I got in?
"Er, driver?" I asked him. "Do you know who I am?"
He looked in the rearview mirror. "Have we met somewhere, sir?"
"No. I don't think so."
"Well then, I don't know you, do I."
There was a pause.
"You're not one of them celebrities, are you, sir?" he asked at length.
"No. Just an office worker."
"You been on TV?"
"No. Never."
The cabbie smiled wryly. "Then I'm not going to know you, am I, sir."
"No," I replied. "I suppose not."
I thought back over the radio news I'd just heard. The announcer knew I was in a taxi heading for central Tokyo. That meant someone must be following me, watching my every move15. I turned and looked through the rear window. The road was full of cars—it was impossible to know which was following us. Come to think of it, they all looked pretty suspicious.
"I think someone's following us," I said to the cabbie. "Can you shake them off?"16
"That's a lot to ask17, sir, if you don't mind me saying so," he said with a grimace. "Unless you know which car it is. Anyway, you'd have a job shaking anyone off in this traffic."
"I think it's that black Nissan. Look! It's got a newspaper company flag on it!"
"Well, all right, sir. If you insist. Though, personally, I think you're being paranoid, sir."
"I'm perfectly sane," I countered hastily.
The taxi meandered and roamed aimlessly for a while, as if driven by a sleepwalker, before finally arriving at Ginza Second Street.
"Well, I lost the black Nissan, at least," the cabbie said with a broad smile. "That must be worth something!" 18
I reluctantly added five hundred yen to the fare on the meter.
15.watching my every move監視我的一舉一動。
16. shake them off 擺脫他們；甩掉他們。
17. That's a lot to ask 這個要求滿困難做到的。計程車司機說你必須指明要甩掉哪一輛車，在這種交通狀況下要甩掉任何一輛車都是件艱辛的任務。
job：A difficult or strenuous task.
18. 計程車司機說他終於甩掉那輛黑色的日產車，這總值得某些獎賞吧。
On entering the client's office, I was greeted with uncommon courtesy by a female receptionist whose face I recognized. She led me to a special reception lounge for particularly valued guests. Normally, I'd be called to the duty clerk's desk and would stand there talking while he remained seated.
I sat on a sofa in the spacious lounge and was fidgeting in some discomfort when, to my surprise, the department director walked in with his assistant. They, too, greeted me with particular formality.19
"Suzuki is always most appreciative of your kind assistance," said the department director, bowing deeply. Suzuki was the duty clerk who usually saw me.
As I stood there bewildered, the department director and his assistant, far from discussing the business at hand, continued to praise me. They admired my tie, flattered my dress sense20, extolled21 my good looks. In my embarrassment, I hurriedly handed over the documents I'd been given by the chief clerk, passed on his message, and took my leave.
19.通常Morishita是被叫到承辦人員（duty clerk）辦公桌旁邊，站著洽談公事。這次，客戶公司的接待小姐帶他到尊貴來賓專用的接待室。客戶公司的部門主管及其副手特地過來隆重地跟他打招呼。formality：正式、隆重。
20. dress sense 衣著的品味。
21. 這裡從praise（誇獎）、admire（欣賞）、flatter（奉承）到extoll（頌揚）強度循序漸進。
As I exited the building, I noticed the same taxi waiting on the pavement.
The young cabbie thrust his head out the side window. "Sir!" he called.
"Still here?" I said. "Well, that's perfect. Take me back to Shinjuku, will you?"
I was just settling into the rear seat when the cabbie thrust a five-hundred-yen note toward me. "You can have this back, sir," he said. "You've got to be joking!"
"Is something the matter?" 22
"I switched the radio back on, didn't I. And they were talking about you, weren't they. They said you'd been carried off by a rogue taxi driver, who'd deliberately taken you out of your way and squeezed five hundred yen out of you for it! They even mentioned my name!"
"I told you, didn't I? We were being followed!"
"Whatever. You can have your five hundred yen back."
"Go on. You keep it."
"No way! Have it back!"
"All right. If that's the way you feel. Anyway, will you take me to Shinjuku now?"
"How can I say no? Next thing they'd say I refused a fare!23" And with that he started off toward Shinjuku.
I gradually was realizing that the plot24 to drive me out of my mind was unimaginably massive in scale. All I could do for now was to follow the flow, as it would be impossible as yet to uncover the mastermind behind the conspiracy. My immediate pursuers were small-fry.25
"I'm not trying to make excuses, sir," the cabbie said suddenly. "But I did lose that black Nissan. I did, really."
"I'm sure you did," I replied. "But I reckon it's not that simple. They're not just following me in a car. They've probably bugged26 this taxi."
Hold on a minute, I thought. This driver could be in on it27, too. Otherwise, how did they know the tip was five hundred yen?
22. Is something the matter? 有什麼事嗎？
23.refuse a fare拒載乘客。
24. plot密謀策劃。
25. small-fry: persons or things regarded as unimportant小人物、小咖。
26.bug竊聽。
27. This driver could be in on it, too這位司機也可能參與陰謀當中。
I noticed a helicopter circling above us at dangerously low altitude, almost skimming the tops of buildings.
"I'm sure I saw that chopper on the way here, sir," said the driver, squinting up. "Maybe they're the ones that are following you."
There was a thunderous crash, and a blood-colored flash of light streaked across the sky. I looked up to see fireballs flying in all directions. The helicopter had crashed into the top floor of a building. The pilot must have been paying too much attention to events on the ground.
"Serves him right! Heheheheheheheh!" The cabbie laughed insanely as he sped away from the scene. He had the look of a deranged man.
I knew I had to get out of the taxi. "Ah, I've just remembered something," I said. "Could you let me off here?" Actually, I'd remembered there was a small psychiatric clinic nearby.
"Where are you going?" the cabbie asked.
"That's my business28," I answered.
"Well, I'm going straight home to sleep," he continued. He looked pale-faced as he took the fare from me.
"Good idea," I said, stepping into the unbearable heat.
I entered the clinic and sat in the waiting room for about twenty minutes. The receptionist called an apparently hysterical middle-aged woman and then an apparently epileptic young man. I was next. I went into the treatment room, where the doctor was looking at a television on a desk by the window. News of the helicopter crash was just coming through.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Even the sky's getting congested29 now," the doctor prattled as he turned to face me. "And of course, there'll be more patients as a result. But they won't come for treatment until it's too late, oh no. Another bad characteristic of people today."
"Yes, you're right," I said with a nod of agreement. I didn't want to seem pushy, but jumped straight in and started to explain my situation anyway. I was supposed to be at work, after all, and didn't have much time. "They suddenly started talking about me on TV last night. And there were articles about me in this morning's papers. They made an announcement about me at the train station. I was even mentioned on the radio. At work, they're all talking about me in whispers. I'm sure they've bugged my house and the taxis I travel in. In fact, I'm being followed. It's a major operation. That helicopter on the news crashed while it was following me!"
The doctor stared at me with a pitiful expression as I continued. Finally, however, he made a gesture to signal he could take no more. 30
"Why didn't you come to me sooner?" he moaned. "But no. You come only when your condition is already too serious! You give me no option but to admit you to the hospital immediately—by force, if necessary! For there's no doubt about it at all: You are suffering from a persecution complex, a victim complex—in other words, total paranoid delusion. A classic case of schizophrenia31. Luckily, there's no loss of personality as yet. I'll admit you to the university hospital right away. Leave it to me."
"Wait a minute!" I said. "I was in a hurry, I didn't explain myself well! I had a feeling you wouldn't believe me. I'm not a good talker, I can't express things logically. But everything I've just said, it's nothing to do with any complex—it's plain fact! Yet I'm just an ordinary office worker—certainly not famous enough to be followed by the media! However you look at it, these media people who are tailing me, reporting about me, they're the ones who are insane! I just came here to ask your advice, you know, what you think I should do to cope with all this."
The doctor shook his head and picked up the telephone. "Everything you've said merely proves how serious your case is."
He began to dial, and then his hand stopped dead, his eyes riveted to the television, which was transmitting a picture of me. The doctor opened his eyes wide.
28 That's my business 不關你的事。
29 天啊！天啊！天啊！現在連天空都交通擁塞。
30. 當Morishita陳述其狀況時，醫師帶著憐憫同情的表情凝視著他，最後做個手勢表示他再也受不了，叫他別再說下去。
a pitiful expression指憐憫、同情Morishita的表情，而非指其表情令人同情，屬於老舊Archaic的用法。
31.persecution complex被迫害情結。victim complex受害者情結。paranoid delusion偏執幻覺。Schizophrenia精神分裂症。
"Some news just in on the Morishita case," said the announcer. "After leaving his client's office at Ginza Second Street, Tsutomu Morishita, an employee of Kasumiyama Electric Industries, took another taxi, apparently intending to return to his office in Shinjuku. But he suddenly stopped the taxi and entered the Takehara Psychiatric Clinic in Yotsuya."
A photograph of the clinic's main entrance appeared on the screen.
"It is not yet known why Morishita entered the clinic."
The doctor stared at me with a glazed expression32, as if in admiration. His mouth was half-open, his tongue dancing about excitedly. "So, you must be someone famous, then?"
"No. Not at all." I pointed to the television. "He just said it, didn't he? I'm a company employee. Just an ordinary person. But in spite of that, my every move is being watched and broadcast to the entire nation."
"Well. You asked me how you could adapt to an abnormal environment without losing your sanity." As he spoke, the doctor slowly rose and moved toward a glass cabinet crammed with bottles of drugs. "But I find your question contradictory. An environment is created by the people who live in it. You, then, are among the people creating your abnormal environment. In other words, if your environment is abnormal, then you must be abnormal, too." He opened a brown bottle labeled SEDATIVES33, tipped a quantity of white pills into his hand, and greedily stuffed the pills into his mouth. "Therefore, if you persist in asserting your own sanity, it proves, conversely, that your environment is, in fact, normal and that you alone are abnormal. If you consider your environment to be abnormal, then by all means lose your mind!" He snatched a bottle of ink from his desk and swallowed its contents. Then he collapsed onto the couch beside him and fell asleep.34
32 a glazed expression眼神呆滯的表情。
33. SEDATIVES 鎮定劑。
34.這段以荒謬乖誕的筆法描述這位精神科醫師。醫師說：「你問我如何適應不正常的環境而不會失去理智。但我發現你的問題剛好相反。環境是居住在其中的人創造出來的。而你身處於創造你的不正常環境的人們當中。換言之，如果你的環境是不正常的，你必須也是不正常的。」這時，醫師倒出幾顆鎮定劑塞進嘴巴裡面。他接著說：「因此，如果你堅持保有你的理智，這反過來證明你的環境事實上是正常的，只有你一個人是不正常。如果你認為你的環境不正常，那麼無論如何都該失去你的理智。（或者譯成：那麼就趕緊發瘋吧）」他從桌上抓了一瓶墨水，一口氣喝光，然後癱睡於臥榻。
I left the clinic without receiving a satisfactory answer. The sun was going down, but it still felt oppressively hot.
As soon as I returned to my desk, Akiko Mikawa called. "Thank you for inviting me out yesterday," she said. "I'm really sorry I couldn't make it."
"That's all right," I replied with reserve.
We both remained silent for a few moments.
I sighed before plunging in35. "How about today, then?"
"I'd love to."
"All right, I'll see you at the San José after work."
News of our arrangement must have been reported immediately, as that evening the San José36 was unusually busy. For the whole hour Akiko and I were in the café we sat in stony silence with our drinks in front of us, conscious that anything we might have discussed would have been instantly publicized in a three-column article with a massive headline.
We parted at Shinjuku Station, and I returned to my apartment. I hesitated before switching on the television. The program was a panel discussion37, a change to the evening's schedule. "Now, I think we come to a very difficult question at this point," said the moderator38. "If events continue to unfold at this pace, when do you think Morishita and Mikawa might be booking into a hotel? Or might it not come to that? Professor Ohara?"
"Well, this Akiko is a bit of a shy filly39, if you know what I mean," said Professor Ohara, a racing expert. "It all depends on Morishita's persistence and determination in the saddle."40
"It's all in the stars," said a female astrologer, holding up a card. "It'll be toward the end of the month."
35.plunge in ： to suddenly start doing something with energy and enthusiasm, but sometimes without thinking about it first突然充滿精力熱忱地做某件事，有時候甚至未事前思考清楚。
Morishita嘆息後，不加思索便單刀直入地問Mikawa：「那麼，今天呢？」
36. the San José 那家咖啡廳的店名，注意：前頭加定冠詞the。
37. panel discussion在(電視或廣播)聽眾面前開的專題談論。這裡提到電視節目臨時改換成這個專題談論。
38.moderator談論節目的主持人。
39. filly : a young woman 年輕的女人（filly正式用法指年輕的母馬，這裡該評論者是位賽馬專家所以用這個字。）
40.in the saddle：in a position of control掌控；駕馭。該評論者是位賽馬專家，使用字語多與賽馬相關。
The following morning, inside the packed commuter train, I saw an ad for a women's magazine, and my heart sank. Its large, bold letters read:
READ ALL ABOUT IT—TSUTOMU AND AKIKO'S CAFÉ DATE!
Beside the headline was a photo of my face. And underneath that, in smaller type:
MORISHITA MASTURBATED TWICE LAST NIGHT
I boiled with rage. "Don't I have a right to privacy?" I shouted. "I'll sue for defamation41! Who cares how many times I did it?"
On my arrival at work, I went straight to the chief clerk's desk and presented him with a copy of the magazine, which I'd bought at the station. "I'd like permission to leave the office on personal business. I assume you know about this article. I'm going to complain to the company that publishes this magazine."
"Of course. I understand how you feel," the chief clerk said in a faltering voice42, evidently trying to pacify me. "But there's surely no point in losing your temper, is there? The media are too powerful. And I'd always give you permission to leave the office on personal business. As you know, I'm quite flexible when it comes to that kind of thing. I'm sure you're aware of that. Yes. I'm sure you are. But I'm just concerned for your welfare, you see. I agree, it's pretty disgraceful. This article, yes, it's disgraceful. Yes. I can certainly sympathize with your predicament."
"It really is disgraceful."
"Yes, utterly disgraceful."
A number of my colleagues had come to stand around me and the chief clerk; all started to sympathize with me in unison. Some of the female clerks wept. But I wouldn't be taken in43 by any of it. Behind my back, they were swapping nasty rumors about me, cooperating with the media coverage. Theirs was the inevitable duplicity of those who surround the famous. 44
I watched the TV news later that day, and not a word of my ranting and raving45 was mentioned. Nor was it referenced in the evening paper. I abandoned the idea of complaining to the publishing company and considered the way in which news about me had been reported.
Occasionally, I'd stumbled across people collecting information: After using the company toilet, I'd half-opened the door to the next stall to discover a knot of46 reporters crammed into it, tape recorders and cameras dangling from their shoulders. On my way home, I'd rummaged about in the bushes with the tip of my umbrella, and a TV announcer holding a microphone had dashed out and fled, shrieking. 47
In my apartment, journalists (some female) hid in the wardrobe, photographers above the ceiling panels. But none of my interactions with them was ever reported in the news. The media covered only my dull, everyday affairs, expanding them into major headlines that surpassed politics, the economy, international events. For example:
TSUTOMU MORISHITA EATS EELS! FIRST TIME IN SIXTEEN MONTHS
TM BUYS A TAILORED SUIT IN MONTHLY INSTALLMENTS!
ANOTHER DATE FOR TSUTOMU MORISHITA
REVEALED! TSUTOMU'S WEEKLY DIET!
WHO DOES MORISHITA REALLY WANT? AKIKO MIKAWA—OR SOMEONE ELSE?!
TM SLAMS COWORKER FUJITA (25) OVER PAPERWORK ERROR
SHOCK! MOZZA'S SEX LIFE!
TSUTOMU MORISHITA: PAYDAY TODAY
MORISHITA BUYS ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS (BLUE-GRAY, 350 YEN)
41.在通勤的火車上，Morishita看到一本婦女雜誌的廣告，寫著“本期詳細報導：Morishita與Mikawa的咖啡廳約會”，標題旁邊是Morishita的照片，底下小標題寫著“Morishita昨晚手淫兩次”。
defamation破壞名譽,中傷,誹謗
42. a faltering voice指他講話支支吾吾的。
43. be taken in 上當受騙
44.同事們隨同Morishita氣憤填膺，甚至還有女同事哭泣。Morishita認為他才不會上當受騙。說部定這些同事在背後，正在與媒體報導交換著有關他的惡劣謠言。同事們的這些行為（氣憤填膺、哭泣、交換謠言）是名人身邊的人一定會有的表裏不一。
Theirs —they是指同事們，theirs是指他們的這些行為。
duplicity 口是心非，表裏不一。
45. rant 跟rave都指咆哮，生氣、激動的大聲說話。這兩個字押頭韻（alliteration），應當是翻譯者的文字功力。這篇故事的英譯者是Andrew Driver。
46.a knot of：A tight cluster of persons or things糾集的一小群人或物。
47.Morishita在回家途中，用雨傘的尖端往路旁灌木叢中戳刺搜查，一個電視播報員拿著麥克風從灌木叢中跳出來，死命逃跑，尖叫不已。這段頗有漫畫的韻味。
Everything I did in awareness of the media was omitted: my efforts to shake pursuers, my tantrums and rages at each new story. Even the helicopter crash was reported as if completely unrelated to me. The media were presenting a world in which they themselves didn't exist.
In the morning I found my photograph on the cover of a weekly magazine. It showed me on my way to work among a group of office workers and was quite a good picture, actually, if I say so myself.
Writing articles about me was one thing, but as this magazine had used me as a cover model I expected the publisher to thank me at the very least. I waited three days, four days, yet still heard nothing. Finally, I'd had enough. On my way back from a client, I paid the publisher a visit.
Normally, I had only to walk down the street for everyone to turn and gawk at48 me. But as soon as I entered the publisher's building I was treated with total indifference, almost as if the receptionists and staff alike had never heard of me. I waited in the reception lounge, regretting my decision to confront these forces. Then a man with a sour face appeared and identified himself as the magazine's assistant chief editor.
"Listen, Mr. Morishita. We'd prefer it if you didn't come here, you understand."
"I thought so."
"You're a nobody whose life was reported in the media. You were supposed to remain anonymous, even when people recognized you. We thought you'd understand that well enough."
"But why did a nobody like me become part of the news?"
The assistant chief editor sighed wearily. "How should I know? I suppose someone decided you were newsworthy."
"Someone? You mean someone in the media. What idiot had that idea?"
"Idiot, you say? As if there's just one person at the bottom of it? The media don't need to be told. They'll follow someone if they think he's got news value."
"What news value do I have?"
"You tell me49. What news do you consider important?"
"Well . . . Something about the weather forecast being wrong . . . A war going on somewhere . . . A massive power failure . . . An airplane crashes, killing a thousand . . . The price of apples goes up . . . The U.S. president is caught shoplifting . . . Someone's bitten by a dog . . . A dog is caught shoplifting . . . Man lands on Mars . . . An actress gets divorced . . . The war to end all wars is about to start . . . A company profits from pollution . . . Another newspaper company makes a profit . . ."
The assistant chief editor watched me vacantly as I continued, and then shook his head with pity. "So those are the things you regard as big news, are they?"
"Aren't they?" I replied in some confusion.
He waved his hand dismissively. "Not in themselves. Of course, they could be made into big news. That's why they're duly reported. But at the same time, we report on the life of an ordinary office worker. Anything can become big news if the media report it," he said, growing animated. "News value arises only after something's been reported50. But you, by coming here today, have completely destroyed your own news value."
"That doesn't bother me."
"I see." He slapped his thigh. "Actually, it doesn't bother us either."
48.gawk at：To stare or gape stupidly目瞪口呆地看著。
49. You tell me：你說呢。
50. 當某事物被報導之後，才產生新聞的價值。這句有濃厚的諷刺意味，暗指這些新聞報導的事物並無內在價值，而是被炒作出來的。
I hurried back to the office. From my desk, I immediately phoned Akiko in Admin.
"Akiko," I said loudly. "Will you go to a hotel with me tonight?"
I could hear her breath catching at the other end of the line.
For a moment, the whole room fell silent. My colleagues and the chief clerk gaped at me in amazement.
Eventually she replied. "Yes. Of course," she sobbed.
And so that night Akiko and I stayed in a hotel. It was the shabbiest, seediest51 hotel on a street full of tasteless neon signs.
As I'd expected, there was no mention of our tryst in the newspapers. Nor was it reported on TV. From that day on, news about me vanished from the media. In my place52 came coverage of a middle-aged office worker, the type that can be found just about anywhere: thin, short, two children, suburban, a clerk in a shipbuilding company. I was once again a nobody—this time for real.
Sometime later I asked Akiko out again. Of course, she refused; but I was satisfied—now I knew what sort of person she was.
Within a week, no one could remember my face. However, people would occasionally stop and glance at me curiously. On my way home one day, two girls sat opposite me on the train. One gave me that look and started whispering to the other.
"Hey! Haven't I seen him somewhere before?" she said, nudging her friend with her elbow. "What was it he did?"
The other girl considered me with a bored expression. After a moment, she answered in a tone of utter disinterest: "Oh, him. Yeah. He was just a nobody."
51.seedy形容人則指邋遢、襤褸：形容物則指骯髒、低級。
52. In my place取代我的是………。
【淺嚐賞味】
假如你突然聽見電視新聞中提到你的名字，你會有什麼反應？而且還報導你邀女孩子喝咖啡遭到拒絕這檔糗事。你泰半會無法置信地認為是一時幻覺，多麼真實的幻覺！萬一是真的呢？狂笑入眠，希望一覺醒來就沒事。可是第二天的報紙與雜誌竟然都有這樣的報導，惶惑疑懼，到底怎麼回事？一定是有人在搞鬼，我又招誰惹誰？讀者隨著主角從故事的第一句就滑入一個荒唐又真實，曲折且迅暢的世界，任憑情節的迂迴漾盪，瀏覽顛倒眾生的浮世景象，而「兩岸猿聲啼不住，輕舟已過萬重山」。故事後頭，主角按下公司電話的廣播鍵，邀請美川小姐上賓館那一幕，讓人讚歎作者真是個鬼才，想得出這種橋段。讀者在狂笑中看完這故事的最後一個字，一口茶都來不及喝。荒謬！但又多麼真實。世間的虛名與市場的喧嘩，南柯歸來不是惆悵而是痛快。
故事中的黑色幽默不似黑巧克力稍帶苦味而回甘，更接近山葵般辛辣且醒腦。故事中的荒謬魔幻不像卡夫卡的困頓或馬奎斯的迷離，簡直就是照妖鏡下的日常寫真。作者描寫同事對待主角態度上的微妙轉變與客戶之前倨後恭，入木三分。人們對於名人的迷思與明星的崇拜，若祛除大眾媒介的渲染，其實也不過像主角的生活那般平凡、卑微與庸瑣。按此邏輯尋思，物本身並無一定的價值，是人們堆砌、附加上去的，結果人們又被自己堆砌附加的價值所迷騙，此中展現作者嬉笑怒罵的遊戲人生觀。故事裡，有關主角的報導被安插在一些風馬牛不相及、光怪陸離的事項中（例如查禁笑袋、打柏青哥後吃鳗鱼有礙健康等等），這是後現代小說的拼貼技巧。於某小片段，作者也運用了擅長的漫畫技法，例如在回家途中，主角用雨傘的尖端往路旁灌木叢中戳刺搜查，一個電視播報員拿著麥克風從灌木叢中跳出來，死命逃跑，尖叫不已。在主角的公寓，女記者藏在衣櫥內，攝影師藏身天花板。讓故事添鮮提味，使用量還算合宜。不像伊阪幸太郎或東川篤哉之流常在作品當中大量使用漫畫筆調，刻意製造滑稽幽默的趣味，令人生厭。當然，你若將其作品當作漫畫來看，則另當別論。
小說本身就是一種創作，想像力與創意（奇思妙想）是決定作品好壞的重要因素之一。對於筒井康隆這個大量撰寫通俗消費性作品的作家，諾貝爾文學獎得主大江健三郎可謂別具隻眼，他曾指出筒井康隆的文學特徵最主要在於其獨創性的點子（雖然其作品時常充滿無厘頭的胡說八道與黑色幽默）。人們大多不喜歡荒誕無稽的事物，而傾向于欣賞有理可循的幽默；不喜歡怪異意象，而喜歡能夠一眼看出的象徵；不喜歡瘋瘋癲癲的玩笑，而喜歡帶有寓意的笑料。當作者或讀者拘泥於現實與理性邏輯，執著於藝術作品中的象徵與意涵，這種思維方式也就封鎖了藝術創造的活力與爆發力，限制了藝術欣賞的向量與視野。筒井康隆在《超虛構宣言》這篇文章中寫到:“小說為什麼必須是現實的呢？每當讀到一些文學批評以重視現實性為前提時，我就有很大的疑惑。”另外於《現代SF的特質》文中述說:“小說原本就是虛構的。然而，在日本為什麼要如此輕視虛構性，在相當長的時間裡都認為小說越虛構就越低級。”他還說過：「寫科幻小說就等於吹牛。既然要吹牛，當然是吹得越大越好，這樣才能夠和一臉正經卻又口沫橫飛的嚴肅科幻作品匹敵。」寫作是一種創造的活動，閱讀與欣賞何嘗不然。
Traveler-Levin
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